I do understand why i have uploaded one of my past watercolour works here, but i am not yet wanting to be entirely open about ALL that is bearing down on me at present except perhaps to state one..

My blog here as donna con il violino blu, as well as the many other blogs i have are journals, and they are a record to stand that i once existed, as there is no one to come after me.

I feel compelled to leave part of me behind in this way.

I have done this over the last three years through painting, photography, through my poetry, through writing.. in any way i can and in the only way i know how to do and i do this with my heart, soul and entire being.
Now MUSICALLY here through the violin and all the inspiration that comes from my experiences with it, i go about hoping i can record it ALL for it is important to me that i do this.

do you really see me

I struggle from many spheres and try to comprehend what is happening within my world which has bought about much frustration, sadness and emotional pain and is affecting my very essence and therefore impacting on my journey here through the beautiful music of the violin.

It's also important that i record all the support offered in its many forms, be it from those who know me well, or don't know me except for what they see as they just pass by here.. those that are here long term on the journey or here for only a short time to share.

Therefore my watercolour work featured above titled do you really see me asks a question of the viewer.

One such viewer on visiting my blog a few days ago offered their kind thoughts which went some way as to providing me with some light on what was a very dark weekend for me.

I am doing my best to keep focused.. on track.. to look further down the road with playing my violin but i am having great trouble am feeling fragile and have not yet picked up my heart.

This person is not known to me, however they took some time to read through my blog and respond.
They offered sincerity not cynicism, warmth not coldness, they opted to communicate and not have me feel isolation, they did so willingly without expecting anything in return and without knowing my circumstance except for what they have read, seen & sensed here.
Although i provided the link to this site, i simply said they would be welcome to visit, not knowing that they had .. i did not ask for a response however a response i received and one which was timely for the way i am  feeling in this moment and no doubt will feel for a while to come.
They gave of their time and in doing so they gave of themselves.
I post it below so it too is threaded and woven into this journey.
I will no doubt read the words over and over and have it remind me that when one door seems closed another opens out to let in light and air.
Philcmiller, as i only know you by this name
i thank you
dal cuore
________________

donna con il violino blu

________________________________________

When you sent me an invitation to your blog I went to it and studied your words, paintings, photographs, and the quality of the blog itself. Perugina, your blog reveals the heart of a truly classy individual.

Though you never mention the specifics of your current emotional struggles, your omission of the specifics is part of the excellence of the blog.
Anyone of any significant age and experience knows what it means to have their heart and soul ground to powder and blown to the wind.

One need not rationalize the specifics. That part of the story can be fully grasped only through the life-experience of the individual. All your friends need to know is that though your former heart may have perished, the physical body did not, so some new heart must grow within the hollow shell. A new you with new dreams is being born.

Your blog graphically shows us the foundation upon which you are rebuilding; your art, your dreams of mastering the violin, and your poetic writings.
Perugina, I wish you the very very best in this effort. I am 53 years old and have survived two tragedies that few would be able to identify with. Not only did I survive, but each new heart was richer and more beautiful than the last. Of course, regenerated beauty cannot be comprehended by all, only by those to whom the gift is given.

Lastly, your blog does not give us any clues as to the day to day substance of your existence. What it shows us is your own concept of yourself, your sense of self-worth, and your vision of the beauty you have to offer the world if it will only stop and look.
You paint yourself as several beautiful women that you know live within you, you photograph yourself as the lover and protector of your instrument, adoring it as you guard it, just as a mother with her child or a God with his creation.

You reveal your sensuality through the flow of lines rather than through the less-dignified over-exposure of your body (as several on RedBubble are prone to do).

As I put down a last word, I want the budding new heart within you to know that one more person in the world was completely captivated by that portion of you that radiates beauty, dignity and a haunting grace.

As you live your life through your common days as a regular woman enduring the inevitable realities of being a struggling human being, please know that the Perugina you know lives within you is a powerful and captivating woman.

You have chosen to reveal this magnificent woman to any who will stop, look, read, and think.
Those who have taken the time to do so will not be able to soon forget you.
Grow and develop, Perugina…you are a beautiful child becoming a beautiful woman.

Hold your violin when you cry.
_________________
philcmiller
21 May, 2010

donna con il violino blu © 2010 patricia vannucci

original artwork

'do you really see me'

perugina art © 2009 patricia vannucci

series la tempesta

you are in this tempest

watercolour work on arches

___________________________________________________________________

My view is heavily obscured and there seems to be no blue sky in sight,

only storm clouds of dark grey.

_________________________________________________________

I have four violins and i have not had the emotional strength or physical strength

to play any of them the last two weeks. 

To hear their beautiful sounds.

This has left me greatly saddened beyond words can express.

I near my first year anniversary with learning violin

and i fear that i will not be able to continue as my present state is making it difficult.
An already tenuous thread does not need the sharpest of swords to sever it.
Looking back however, i see how far i have come, not knowing how to even hold them in my arms let alone to make them sound.. so i can be proud of myself in this regard and know that i really gave it my all with all the love i had and still have in my heart.

I keep this blog open to give me hope and faith, and i pray that i can yank myself out of this, at least on an emotional level (for emotionally i am shattered), this would help me greatly at least to push through my chronic fatigue due to other health issues and muster the little enthusiasm to practice and at least move in a forward direction.

I’ve missed out on two lessons since feeling this way and this in itself has pained me.

I casually mentioned that i may leave violin to Maestro last lesson, trying to hide my state..

i was so sick that i found it hard to stand whilst having my lesson..

he replied

You do not leave violin

the violin leaves you

for it will go on

long after you/we have gone

and it will always find another

______________

with a heavy heart
i can't imagine my violino blu in any other hands
please give me the strength and courage God to go on
____________________
donna con il violino blu

donna con il violino blu © 2010 patricia vannucci

lacrimosa

tearful

aka

lotta

struggle

watercolour on
hand torn arches paper
300 gsm cp fine

17×38 cm
______

sometimes we can only speak through music

HERE

'lacrimosa'
perugina art © 2010 patricia vannucci

G D A E

notes on a violin

watercolour on arches

300gsm cp fine

38 x 29 cm

_____________________

original artwork

perugina art © 2009 patricia vannucci

lesson 12

Practice and a watercolour violin..

I was really stuck for a title for this work however as i began painting in the strings i thought..

G D A E - notes on a violin.

Of course.. what better title, as lessons always begin with what maestro calls 'the daggy G!'

Playing open strings beginning with the D followed by A then G down to E and finally G, hence DAG - E - G = daggy - G

Cute!

I've a quiet respect for the DAG - E - G, and see the merit in playing this sequence of open notes on the violin, however maestro would like me to play this without looking at the instrument, therefore the lesson always starts with me whinging about wanting to look, this and playing with the practice mute!

Perhaps one day i will be able to without the whine - this will indeed be an achievement!

This lesson was encouraging.. i am moving on from the Preliminary Grade Book, so on to the First Grade pieces i go - very exciting.. new music to facilitate cracking the sound barrier!

Today also sees me sliding from first position to third position in some of the technical exercises.. it is a challenge, and there was much laughing, only because of the well chosen words the maestro used to describe this a few weeks ago!

In his words.. "try not to let it sound like a donkey!"

So in trying this exercise from the so called Technical Work Book, all i could think about was this comment! Which incited riotous laughing from us both when i reminded him - i told maestro that he should be very careful with these word/sound/ picture/associations.. very distracting albeit the truth!

That D note on the A string followed by the open D in this 'matching octaves with smooth slurs' exercise.. played by a beginner such as myself.. well.. ahem..

is very ee-aw!

hope you have enjoyed 'notes on a violin'

a presto!

___________________

donna con il violino blu

donna con il violino blu © 2010 patricia vannucci

relax.. relax.. relax..

caffe` corretto, a chat, & coloured violins!

macchiato

pencil sketch

lesson 11

Most times i get to class early..

i go into a spare room and get in some practice before seeing Maestro and sometimes i will simply sit outside The Room trying to relax as i get very anxious having to play in front of anyone!

I can hear the faint sounds the student before me makes on her violin. Funnily enough she is playing the same songs as i am.. so my curiosity peaks.

Each week the same Young Lady before me smiles as she leaves The Room i enter.

A couple of weeks ago, as we passed each other, she commented on the vintage brooch i was wearing, which held my fur stole together, as i thanked her i promptly introduced myself. Subsequent short conversations which have transpired since then, as we pass each other, have revealed she is also a beginning student and started almost the same time i did, thus explaining the same musical repertoire!

I’ve experienced many synchronicities of late and this one is no exception and is quite incredible.
It seems we have many things in common..
A desire to play the violin.. a love of vintage.. and our professional backgrounds also.. and other things!

This week had us both waiting for Maestro, who at times runs late, so this gave us more of an opportunity to chat before lesson.

stop!....

Perhaps now i should describe the place were we have lessons..

It's no boring school like institution with porridge coloured walls and dark hallways, instead Maestro holds class in one of the many rooms which are a part of an historic building of early colonial heritage now housing a restaurant, open everyday for lunch & dinner as well as a reception lounge very popular for weddings.
Here people can sit and enjoy a meal on the open veranda which overlooks a sunny courtyard all beautifully framed by an old grape vine.. The Room runs off this veranda! I am horrified to think these people who are having a relaxing lunch have to endure the sounds of beginning students - i am somewhat comforted and have confidence however in traditional building methods.. the walls of this old colonial circa 1799 are thick!

So my new found friend and i, sat patiently and happily on a bench in this sunny courtyard waiting for time with Maestro.

The Waiter, always greets us with a friendly smile, knowing full well we are here for the violin lessons and not for the restaurant. On this occasion he offered us a coffee while we waited ‘on the Maestro’, we naturally accepted albeit a little stupefied!

so over a macchiato and flat white.. we discussed violins..

Practice is always an issue as adults.. we have so much more to contend with than children, and therefore find it hard to dedicate adequate amounts of time to learning something new.

Then there is the noise factor with learning to play a musical instrument, and the vile sounds a violin can make when beginning can be especially grating - nails on a chalk board is nothing compared to this!

Now here is where chatting is of great benefit, as sharing information can be enlightening!

i asked if she had bought herself a ‘practice mute’ - a small device made of rubber which quiets the violin, so as not to disturb the neighbours and anyone who is unfortunate enough to find themselves within a 100m radius, however still loud enough for you to hear what you are playing.
i then added that i practice in my walk-in-wardrobe for added insulation ( i knew all those clothes would come in handy for something). We both laughed loudly and the young lady thought it a brilliant idea as she lives in a unit complex.

i then tell her maestro does not want me to look at the violin while i play… and has even taken on occasion to holding a book up between my face and the instrument! i know this is a good thing.. as playing the violin is much about making it sing as one would when using your voice. Maestro says that you can’t see your vocal chords and this is the same thing – so you don’t need to look! So in trying to solve this dilema of desperately wanting to look..

i practice with the mute.. in the closet.. with the lights off!!

This caused her to laugh hysterically as she could see the method in my madness!

anyway back to the chat… sipping on our coffee and enjoying the winter sun we continue to discuss violins..

i open my case to show the young lady the practice mute and how it is fitted to the bridge of the instrument. She remarks on my beautiful violin and how it looks like ‘an adult violin’ unlike hers where she states looks like ‘a child’s violin’! At this point i am bemused and ask why she feels this way about her violin.. from the size of her case, it looks to me to be a full size violin..

as she opens her case i am astonished.. open mouthed i am looking at a purple coloured violin!
i just had to tell her!

a few weeks after buying my beautiful violin whilst on the hunt for the books i needed to start lessons.. i walked into this music shop i happened to drive by. Way in the back of this dark shop crammed with musical instruments and equipment was a blue violin!

i just had to have it!

it was a sign!

this is my blue violin... it is meant to be mine!

i have a beautiful violin.. but was compelled to buy this one!

so i did!

it turned out to be a very good thing.

My beautiful violin needed to have some adjustments made namely the 'E' string lowered as it was sitting too high off the fingerboard and the pegs shaved so that their ends sat flush in the peg box and also because they were too stiff and would not turn easily. This meant i would be without the instrument for a few weeks while the work was completed and would make practice impossible – i’m not very good at air violin!

a spare violin would be great!.. a spare blue violin!
so again.. back to the chat..

here now..
were two ladies,
relaxing.. sipping coffee now..
discussing coloured violins..
one purple..
one blue!

at this point maestro walks over, dressed in his three piece suit looking dapper but worried.. and so he should be.. he finds himself teaching the ladies with the coloured violins and they are sitting together collaborating and exchanging tales over a macchiato and latte - so funny!
caffe` probably isn't a good thing becasue it is a stimulant.. and we really should be having something which will help us relax before the lesson!
maestro glances at his watch and collects the young lady and just before they disappear into the room i suggest that we need to make it a caffe` corretto next time, adding a good measure of grappa so as to help us with our bowing arm and in particular my up bow staccato!
that or a botox injection into my hand!
relax.. relax.. relax..
___________________

donna con il violino blu

donna con il violino blu © 2010 patricia vannucci

getting to know you

quick pencil sketch

29 x 40 com

________________________

lesson 10

This week sees my return to art as well as practicing my new piece..

Minuet

Johann Sebastian Bach

(1685 - 1750)

List B No3 AMEB Preliminary Grade Series 8

This is my third piece i've learnt and am currently practicing from this book.

My wonderful teacher, who i will refer to as Maestro (a brilliant violinist) has made this one a little more challenging for me.. as if it isn't challenging enough (!!!) adding up bow staccato to the piece making it more expressive and also to expose me to more bowing techniques - eek!

After having practiced for a solid two hours on this today, i then sat down with my violin on the lounge, took out my sketch pad and relaxed making a quick loose pencil sketch of it.

I feel the title for this art work is apt, as it is very much the case at the moment.

I am hoping that my return to music will help me with my art and vice versa.

So with this said and written, it is off to practice and to be inspired.

___________________

donna con il violino blu

'getting to know you'

perugina art © 2009 patricia vannucci

donna con il violino blu © 2010 patricia vannucci

week 3

i have bought a beautiful violin

i am considered

'old'

to be learning the violin.

I've started this blog diary of sorts to document this musical journey.

every journey starts with a desire to take a step in a direction never navigated.

I'm filled with great excitement as well as trepidation.

________________

i have bought a beautiful violin

which i take with me on this path

i am considered

'old'

to be learning the violin.

few know of this journey

so if you have happened to stumble across this blog

and have or can spare any words of encouragement

i would appreciate them greatly

i have bought this beautiful violin.

i am told

'you're old'

to be learning the violin

to my way of thinking

only when i am

'gone'

will it be too late

'to learn'

the violin

or indeed anything

i have bought a beautiful violin

'donna con il violino blu'

original artwork

words © 2009 patricia vannucci

 perugina art © 2009 patricia vannucci